Today I stand a lioness for God but almost 3 years ago, I was standing in the shower at a shelter with my son, crying and feeling worthless. Hiding in the shower was my alone time, while my son entertains himself in the next room. I was crying I realized that I it has crossed my mind that I was worth more money dead than alive. You see, I’ve been paying this life insurance since I was single, now here I was, not a penny to my name but if I died, my family would get a nice lump sum.
At that moment I felt worthless.
The sequence of events in my life was weighing heavily on my shoulders. My husband had left us, a few months before that I had lost my job and a few months after losing my job the devastating earthquake in Haiti happened that completely depleted our savings account.
Here I was now, 40 years old and starting over. I didn’t get it. I did all the right things.
I put myself to college and was the first college graduate of my family. I married my best friend. I have an amazing son. Life was beautiful, and then it all came crashing down.
Who starts over at 40? As if this wasn’t bad enough, I had gained back a lot of the weight I had lost. Gaining the weight back made me feel rejected because when I needed a job fast and when I applied to get a job at a fitness facility, my fitness resume didn’t match my appearance.
All of this crossed my mind in the shower, with zero money in the bank I felt that God had forgotten about me. I sobbed like a baby and many more questions came flying through my head.
How am I going to make it as a single mom?
How will I make it now as a single mom?
Did I become a statistic?
Where did I go wrong?
I lived in worry for several months. I didn’t go out, in fact I avoided all my friends and had a reason not to attend any special occasions. I was overwhelmed, depressed with a broken heart and jobless. Waking up in the morning was just a reminder of how messed up my situation was and how helpless I felt.
One weekend while my son was spending time with his dad, I knew this was my chance to question God and this is how our conversation went.
“Here I am God. Here’s the child that you forgot about. The one who got the shorter end of the stick. What’s the point of living if I have to suffer so much?”
I was cried until there were really no more tears to cry. Then the stupid phone wouldn’t stop rigging. Each time I sent it to voicemail, it rung again. Then finally I pick up. It was a friend who insisted to call until I pick up.
“Hello” I said, trying to sound like I wasn’t crying.
“I was thinking about you and praying for you” he says. “Whatever it is, I know it is hard but don’t give up. Do not give the enemy any opportunity to make you feel worthless. You are worthy and God is working. Do not isolate yourself because Isolation is the devil’s playground. Don’t you worry so much because you will get through.” I thanked him with more tears, hung up the phone to go back to my conversation with God.
“Ok God, give me strength to hold on 1 more month. Lord, I need a job, and I need my own place. You said to ask, I am asking. Lord I am not lazy and I know you hear all my prayers. Give me the strength to wait on you Lord.”
I continued with my life this time waiting.
I did what I could every day, waiting.
Then the job came.
The apartment came in the school district I wanted for my son.
The opportunities were flowing one after the other.
This time cried again in the shower like a baby realizing that worry is fruitless, truly fruitless. God was fighting for me all along. He kept his promise to never leave me nor forsake me. That moment when the phone rang in the middle of my conversation with Him was Him reminding me through my friend to hold on just a little longer because even when I don’t see it, He is fighting for me. “The LORD will fight for you; you need only be still” Exodus 14:14